Jose Mourinho is close to revealing a new code of rules for association football that will replace the archaic current scoring system he stresses is ‘fixated on goals’.
The Portuguese boss has been moved to take action after his Manchester United side suffered three consecutive defeats despite being the superior team in each match, in every regard, except for the number of times they were able to put the ball in the opposition team’s net.
In a bid to move the game forward from this primitive view of success and failure, Mourinho has been hard at work creating a more enlightened scoring system that takes into account possession, number of corners and melodramatic bombast.
With the times
“It’s 2016 and we’re still deciding the outcome of football matches simply by the number of goals one team scores compared to the number of goals another scores. That’s crazy,” Mourinho told FourFourTwo.
“OK, Watford scored three goals and Manchester United scored one, but that doesn’t mean Watford were the better side. Far from it – we outclassed them in every regard, I think everyone knew that.
“But the Premier League in its infinite wisdom recognises Watford’s brutish goal-getting with three points while our subtler, refined football gets no reward.”
Mourinho has been feverishly working on a complex equation that he believes gives a more accurate measure of the true winning side in a game of football.
“Goals are a factor, of course, but we must also take into account the size of the club in intangible terms, the relative wages of the two managers, the fans’ feelings of entitlement and the players’ sense of aloof self-satisfaction,” Mourinho explained.
“Add it all together and you get a very different score. In fact, we beat Watford 11-3. Pogba scored nine of our 11 points.”
Good news
The Special One has used his method to calculate a revised league table that sees United performing much better than the currently accepted Premier League table.
“As you see, we’ve had a great start to the season,” he insisted. “We’re outscoring everyone when it comes to vainglorious posturing and we’re second to none in solipsism.”
However, even in Mourinho’s revised league table United are second to Manchester City, leaving the Red Devils boss to revise his equation, multiplying all points totals by the number of Ashley Youngs a team has.
Please note: This fictional news story is not real. Obviously.
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