My Football with Frank Skinner: "Adrian Chiles told me that, it had better be true..."

First game you ever attended?

West Brom vs Southampton, December 1967. It was 0-0, I sat on the wall at the front and it rained so much that the colour from my T-shirt ran into my underpants. But I was hooked.

Who was your childhood hero?

Jeff Astle. I ended up not only meeting him, but working with him on Fantasy Football and being godfather to his granddaughter. That thing about ‘don’t meet your heroes’ isn’t always true.

Finest moment as a player?

I was very, very bad at football, which is one of the great tragedies of my life. But I once took a penalty at Villa Park, for £1,000 for Comic Relief. I was booed because of the rivalry with West Brom, so I really milked it. Anyway, it went in just inside the post. I ran up to the Holte End and did an Ian Wright pose, standing like a Greek god as they screamed abuse at me.

What do you love most about going to a match?

That I don’t think about anything else. You look around and 100 people are on their phones. I like to completely live the game. I wish I knew more about it. God knows how many goals I’ve seen West Brom concede, and I could probably explain about eight of them.

How’s watching football changed for you since you were a kid?

I can see now. As a kid, I missed 70 per cent of the goals that happened at the Albion. I spent all game on my tiptoes, looking over blokes’ shoulders.

Who from your club’s past would you bring back for your current side?

Laurie Cunningham. He was the most remarkable player I’ve ever seen in an Albion shirt; an athlete who could do everything. He ran like Thierry Henry – as if the ball was part of him. He was almost in liquid form. He should be one of those people talk about more when they think of great players.

Who had the hardest shot you’ve ever seen?

When we did the video for Three Lions, we recreated Bobby Charlton’s goal against Mexico with Teddy Sheringham. I was in goal and suddenly I heard this noise behind me – it sounded like gunfire. It was Teddy hitting the crossbar. I hadn’t even seen the backlift. If it had hit me, it would have killed me.

Which player do you like even though they never played for your club?

As a kid, I loved Jimmy Johnstone. My brother used to get the coach up to Glasgow for Celtic games and he brought me back a little Jimmy Johnstone keyring. He was amazing. 

Where’s the best place you’ve ever watched a game?

My son supports Tottenham, so I took him to a couple of games at their new stadium. The seats had a button to turn a heater on – that was incredible.

Favourite football book?

The Miracle Of Castel Di Sangro. It’s about a bloke who spends a season with an Italian team. It’s brilliant.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen or heard at a game?

We lost 2-0 to Nottingham Forest when Stan Collymore was in his pomp; we were outplayed, it was a grim day, and as we were leaving the ground an announcement over the loudspeaker said, “Mr Blah-Blah, your wife has given birth to a baby boy at Sandwell Hospital.” There was a round of applause, and this old bloke next to me said, “The poor bugger – he’s had to sit through this lot and now he’s got to go home and make his own tea.”

What’s the best food you’ve ever had at a game?

The chicken balti pies at West Brom are incredible. I’ve had some fancy meals in hospitality, but nothing like those pies.

Tell us something about your managers that we won’t know?

Slaven Bilic has a law degree. Adrian Chiles told me that; it had better be true.

Where’s the strangest or best place you’ve ever met a player or manager?

I once bumped into Mick McCarthy in an airport toilet. He was with Wolves at the time, so it was a bit awkward. I probably could’ve killed him and got away with it. But he was very friendly. There aren’t many men who have the confidence to hold a conversation at the urinal, but Mick’s one of them.

If you could drop yourself into your all-time team, who would you be playing alongside?

I’d be in the 1980 West Brom team that finished third in the league, with Cunningham, Cyrille Regis and Bryan Robson. Very, very occasionally you see a team that, if they weren’t professional players, would have been happy in the local park, playing together – they take joy from each other’s ability. Ron Atkinson encouraged them to play freely. Success wasn’t the norm at the club and suddenly we had these fantastic players.

Who’d be your favourite room-mate?

Willie Johnston, who played for us in the ’70s. I interviewed him once at Birmingham Town Hall, and he was hilarious. He said that when he bought Bobby Gould’s house, Bobby took the interior doors with him, in the same way people take furniture. [Willie] also kicked a referee up the arse in a League Cup game. Later, he said, “I didn’t mean to kick him up the backside, but he turned around at the last minute.”

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