Ray Parlour: Ask A Silly Question

Morning, Ray. First things first: where do you think Bin Laden is?
He’s in a cave somewhere having the time of his life, mate. Surrounded by women, having a right laugh. Probably plotting. We’ve got no chance of finding him, I don’t think.

Not with that attitude, young Parlour. So, the moon landings – real or an elaborate hoax?
I reckon they made it all up. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. I don’t know how good the technology was back in the ’60s – it’s got to be pretty hard getting a man on the moon, hasn’t it? But it’s a tricky one to call.

You’re a conspiracy theorist, then. Was Lady Di nobbled by the Royals?
Ooh, I don’t know about that one. It’s court case after court case isn’t it? Al Fayed seems pretty sure something happened. I’m sure there are people ?out there who do know, but the public never will.

Makes you think, doesn’t it. Is it true you taught Thierry Henry rhyming slang?
Yeah! He even said some on a Sky Sports live interview after I’d taught him. He said “the ball came off the beans on toast”, meaning post. And he was always on about the “dog ’n’ bone”, too. Thierry was great.

What a geezer! Is it true that you narked Glenn Hoddle’s spiritual healer, Eileen Drewery?
I had a bad calf and Glenn sent me to see her. I sat in this seat, I couldn’t see her – I thought she was going to come out with no clothes on or something! Anyway, she placed her hands on my shoulders – I had long hair back then – and I just said: “short back and sides, please, Eileen”.

Cheeky…
In fairness, she laughed. She was quite funny. But she told her husband and it was suddenly in The Sun! I never got picked for England again.

Bummer. You can go on a caravanning holiday with one alive, one dead and one fictional person. Who’s in?
Err… can I have two dead people?

Sod it, why not.
Peter Sellers. He’s my idol, and Stan Laurel. Fictional? I’d have Peter Kay.

Peter Kay’s not fictional, Ray.
One of his characters, then. Or one of them off Little Britain, they’re hilarious. It’d be a right laugh. Although I guess I should have picked a bird, shouldn’t I?

Too late. What do you think of Boris Johnson?
I think he’ll be good for London. I didn’t like the other fella. My brother’s a London cabbie and he likes Boris. Let’s give him a chance and see what happens.

What’s your favourite board game?
I’m a Monopoly man. You’ve got to be, being a Londoner. I know the area. And you can have a gamble on it, a few quid in the pot. I try to buckle down early doors, get some hotels down on Park Lane, you know?

Classic tactics. Nice. Who’s got the best national anthem, apart from England, of course?
It’s got to be England! I didn’t really listen to anybody else’s. Although I was watching the Italians last night and their anthem is half decent. It goes on forever.

What about Germany, that’s awesome. It’s like Star Wars…
I’ve never really noticed it, to be fair. I’ll give it a listen next time.

Speaking of anthems, how many hats do you own?
None, really. My missus is a big hat wearer but I’m not. The only hat I wear is my jockey hat – I’d have loved to have been a jockey. I’ve had a few horses and it’s great riding as fast as you can. I’d love to ride a few winners like Frankie Dettori.

Who do you want to be your fantasy uncle? Frankie again?
Christ, that’s a strange question. Could I go for Santa? He’s good fun. And he’s got presents.

Impeccable logic, Ray. Ta-ra.
Ta mate.

From the August 2008 issue of FourFourTwo. Ray Parlour was promoting children’s cancer charity CLIC Sargent