FADE IN:
INT: STAMFORD BRIDGE, LONDON
CESC FABREGAS is waiting anxiously in a dark room, checking his phone and shiftily looking at the door. Behind him are lots of TROPHIES and a life-size cardboard cut-out of JOHN TERRY. Suddenly BRYAN MILLS bursts through the door LOOKING QUITE A LOT like Liam Neeson.
BRYAN MILLS
Why did you call me, Cesc? I was busy smashing up a European capital city in pursuit of my daughter, so this had better be good.
CESC FABREGAS
Well, did you find her? Should you finish that off?
BRYAN MILLS
Now I think about it, I’ve destroyed their road system and killed every adult male in a 12-mile radius, so it’ll wait until Monday. What’s up?
CESC FABREGAS
Well, it’s just that nobody has seen Diego Costa for a week, and we’re all worried that maybe he’s been… taken.
Bryan suddenly comes to life; his shoulders tense and he balls his hands into fists.
BRYAN MILLS
Taken?
CESC FABREGAS
He’s not answering his phone, we WhatsApp’d him that video of the Irish bat family but he didn’t respond, and then he didn’t turn up for the ‘Referee Surrounding’ practice session the other day. He never misses that.
Cesc’s phone begins to ring. He answers, listens briefly, then turns to Bryan.
CESC FABREGAS
It’s the kidnappers. Which doesn’t really make any sense but...
BRYAN MILLS
Give me that...
(takes the phone)
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but if you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let Diego go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
As he hangs up, we hear the kidnapper’s desperate voice.
KIDKNAPPER (O.S)
But we’re trying to give him back! He’s a nightma–
BRYAN MILLS
Are there any Eastern Europeans around?
CESC FABREGAS
What does-?
BRYAN MILLS
Quickly Cesc, we’re running out of time. We only have 96 hours.
CESC FABREGAS
But-
BRYAN MILLS
Look, I like you, and I didn’t even object too much when you started having “Cesc” on the back of your shirt even though everyone was fine with “Fabregas”. But if you ask me one more dumb question…
CESC FABREGAS
Er, OK. The only Eastern Europeans I can think of are Slaven Bilic and the guys at West Ham. But why-
Bryan EXPLODES into action, PUNCHING the John Terry cut-out to the ground and sprinting out of the room, beckoning Cesc to follow him.
CESC FABREGAS
(running)
But where are we going?
BRYAN MILLS
There’s no time for thinking Cesc! We’ve got things to punch!
Bryan sprints through the stadium, ELBOWS a passing HORSE, and they jump into his idling car.
CUT TO:
INT: BRYAN'S CAR
Bryan is driving like a lunatic, around corners on two wheels, on the wrong side of the road and through traffic lights. Nobody notices because he is now in EAST LONDON.
BRYAN MILLS
OK, so tell me what you know about these West Ham guys.
CESC FABREGAS
Only that they don’t believe in defending.
BRYAN MILLS
Like me. Attack is the best form of defence. What would they do if they had Diego?
CESC FABREGAS
Play him at right-back, probably.
BRYAN MILLS
Good God. These people are crazy.
They pull up at the LONDON STADIUM and get out of the car.
BRYAN MILLS
We need to sneak inside quietly and without drawing attention to ourselves. Just follow me. Quietly.
Bryan sets an ENORMOUS explosive charge and NOT AT ALL QUIETLY blows up the entrance to the stadium. It creates a huge hole in the structure, which they enter and come out nearly one hundred metres from the pitch.
BRYAN MILLS
Christ, we’re miles away.
SLAVEN BILIC emerges through the smoke and rubble because WHY NOT?
SLAVEN BILIC
What the hell is going on? You’ve nearly damaged the front row of our seating.
BRYAN MILLS
Listen to me, Eastern European guy: I have a very particular set of skills, and I’m searching for Diego Costa. Where is he?
SLAVEN BILIC
Why on earth would you think that Diego Costa would be at West Ham? He’s not old enough for a start.
BRYAN MILLS
Goddammit, Cesc, we’re wasting our time. Random Eastern European guy: do you have any idea where Diego might be?
SLAVEN BILIC
I’ve only ever seen him on the floor.
CESC FABREGAS
That was the first place we checked.
SLAVEN BILIC
Have you checked with Alvaro Morata? Strikers usually travel in pairs. Unless I’m picking them, in which case one will be inexplicably out of position.
BRYAN MILLS
Pairs is an anagram of Paris! C’mon Cesc, we’re going to Paris.
CESC FABREGAS
(sighing)
This is-
But Bryan isn’t listening and is already running to the car. He KARATE KICKS a passing cloud on his way.
SLAVEN BILIC
(to Cesc)
Have you tried Find My iPhone?
Cesc looks as miserable as if he’s just found out that his new midfield partner is DANNY DRINKWATER. He walks away and gets in the car.
CUT TO:
INT: PARC DES PRINCES CHANGING ROOM, PARIS
The PSG squad are getting changed in the most opulent surroundings imaginable. DANI ALVES is drying himself on a towel made of banknotes, THIAGO SILVA is sat in front of an entirely gold-plated locker and NEYMAR is casually feeding KOBE STEAKS to his dogs.
DANI ALVES
Sometimes I can’t help wondering if maybe we all have too much money.
Everybody bursts out laughing as Bryan and Cesc come into the room.
BRYAN MILLS
Shut it foreigners. I, an American with a barely disguised Irish accent and no jurisdiction, am here to ask you lots of questions.
NEYMAR
Er, sure. What can we do to–
Bryan SHOOTS Neymar in the shoulder for NO REASON AT ALL. EDINSON CAVANI bursts out laughing on the other side of the room.
CESC FABREGAS
Why on earth did you do that? You’re acting crazier than Rod Stewart doing a Scottish cup draw.
BRYAN MILLS
Goddammnit Cesc! We haven’t got time for listening to witnesses or niche references to Scottish football like that. We’ve got to keep punching people!
Bryan punches HATEM BEN ARFA but nobody really minds. He rushes for the exit, pausing only to HEADBUTT a LAMP. Cesc SIGHS heavily, not for the first time today, and follows.
CUT TO:
EXT: PARC DES PRINCES CAR PARK
As Cesc goes to get in the car, MASKED MEN appear and kidnap Bryan who has momentarily nodded off in the front seat because he is SIXTY YEARS OLD.
Cesc, eyeing his opportunity to escape, gets into the car and drives off towards the Eurotunnel.
CUT TO:
INT: BRYAN'S CAR
As Cesc is driving and trying to get TALKSPORT on the radio, his phone rings. He stares momentarily and begrudgingly answers.
CESC FABREGAS
Hello?
We see Bryan is tied up in a garage. Behind him and within easy reach is a tank, a rocket launcher, several machine guns, a samurai sword, some pliers and garden clippers. Bryan is therefore using his TEETH to bite through his binders. The following exchange takes place as we cut between them.
BRYAN MILLS
Cesc, it’s me. Stop trying to track me down! It’s OK, I’ve managed to get free of my binders.
CESC FABREGAS
(hastily deleting “CALAIS” from the SatNav)
Er, OK. Thank God, I was just driving around frantically trying to find you. Wait, how are you calling me? You were kidnapped less than a minute ago.
BRYAN MILLS
We don’t have time for linear time, Cesc! I’m using the cell phone I hid in my jacket pocket from the second film.
CESC FABREGAS
They didn’t search you?
BRYAN MILLS
No, that’s genuinely how we’re going to explain this.
CESC FABREGAS
So... should we call the police now? It seems like maybe we’re in over our head.
BRYAN MILLS (O.S)
Not a chance, Cesc. Now listen, I need you to reach into my bag and grab some hand grenades. I need you to let a few off at random places around the city.
Cesc looks in Bryan's bag and indeed spies several HAND GRENADES.
CESC FABREGAS
How on earth did you get those into the country?
BRYAN MILLS
I used to work for the CIA, Cesc, so it’s perfectly logical that I carry several explosive devices with me at all times. It’s just obvious. Anyway, I need you to chuck one of those on top of a nearby building.
CESC FABREGAS
What? Any building? Seriously?
BRYAN MILLS
Oh for God’s sake. Just throw it on the roof.
Cesc throws the hand grenade onto a nearby ROOFTOP. It explodes and the building COLLAPSES.
We see Bryan hear a distant boom, and he quickly uses CIA MAGIC SCIENCE to establish exactly where Cesc is.
BRYAN MILLS
OK Cesc, I’m two blocks south-west of you.
CESC FABREGAS
Why is that everyone in movies is a human compass and just immediately knows which direction they’re heading in? I have no idea where I am, let alone which way is north.
We see CESC driving up the road frantically trying to get his SATNAV to show him which way is WEST.
CUT TO:
INT: YACHT SOMEWHERE IN PARIS, THE SEINE
We see DIEGO COSTA being paraded around in front of prospective buyers. The AUCTIONEER is talking him up as he wanders around TREADING SLYLY on people’s toes.
AUCTIONEER
So here we have Diego! He’s 28, big, strong, a goalscorer and he can fall over on command. Give us a tumble, Diego!
Diego immediately falls over, gets up and shoves a waiter in the face. The waiter looks quizzically at him which causes him to FALL OVER again.
AUCTIONEER
Quite remarkable. What am I bid? I shall start proceedings at 30 million pounds.
In a side booth we see KEVIN FEIGE and ROBERT DOWNEY JR representing Marvel Studios.
ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR
We bid 30 million.
AUCTIONEER
Er, Mr Downey, you do realise Diego is a footballer?
ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR
Yes, but we’re running out of villains and he’s just so perfect.
At this moment RYAN SHAWCROSS wanders into view. Costa immediately begins wafting his hand in front of his face to indicate that Shawcross smells unpleasant.
ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR
He’s such an asshole! We must have him.
CUT TO:
EXT: YACHT SOMEWHERE IN PARIS, THE SEINE
Cesc and Bryan are outside, surveilling the yacht.
CESC FABREGAS
Pretty lucky that we found this exact yacht at this exact moment considering we had no directions.
BRYAN MILLS
We don’t have time for sensible plotting, Cesc. We have people to punch in there!
CESC FABREGAS
You keep saying we have no time, but about four hours ago you said we had 96 hours, so by my reckoning we have loads of time. Can we get lunch?
Bryan PUNCHES the door of the yacht, creating a hole.
BRYAN MILLS
Let’s go punch some Eastern Europeans, Cesc.
CESC FABREGAS
I really feel like you need some help with racial and cultural sensitivity.
At this moment we see MARK SAMPSON walking along the side of the river.
MARK SAMPSON
Can I help at all, lads?
CESC FABREGAS
Er… no, I don’t think so, Mark.
BRYAN MILLS
We don’t need him. We need some muscle. This place is pretty heavily guarded.
RIO FERDINAND
Can I help at all lads? I’ll BET you I’d be helpful if you’d just take a little GAMBLE on me.
BRYAN MILLS
Can you fight?
RIO FERDINAND
I’d WAGER I can. Although, I am running out of gambling puns now so I’d just like to encourage you to get down the bookies.
BRYAN MILLS
I’d have been better off asking my daughter along. She doesn’t moan when I get her to throw grenades around in heavily populated areas. Let’s go.
They go below deck.
CUT TO:
INT: YACHT SOMEWHERE IN PARIS, THE SEINE
Bryan and Cesc SNEAK into a booth very quietly, as Bryan punches everyone in sight in the HEAD. The booth contains Atletico Madrid sporting director, ANDREA BERTA.
BRYAN MILLS
We need you to buy Diego Costa.
ANDREA BERTA
I represent a club currently under a transfer ban. It would be ludicrous if we were allowed to sign players in that period as it would really render the ban almost pointless.
FIFA President GIANNI INFANTINO inexplicably wanders into the room.
GIANNI INFANTINO
You’re fine, Andrea. See you upstairs for darts later.
He leaves.
BRYAN MILLS
So there you go. Buy Costa now, or I’ll kill you. Or worse, make you sign Marouane Fellaini.
ANDREA BERTA
OK, I will bid 35 million, as Marvel just bid 30.
BRYAN MILLS
No! You will bid 67 million.
ANDREA BERTA
Why would I do that? We’re literally the only place he wants to go, he’s been frozen out by his current manager and he’s too old to have resale value. Nobody will believe that’s a genuine deal.
BRYAN MILLS
Relax. As if anything makes sense anymore.
Berta buys Costa. Bryan CHOKES a lobster to DEATH in celebration. He LEAVES and goes to have a milkshake with his daughter and make TERRIBLE jokes.
CESC FABREGAS
So, when is Diego coming back?
(silence)
And how am I getting home? I’m in Paris and I live in Surrey.
In the background, Berta HUGS Costa. Costa falls over.
THE END
