Newcastle United legend Alan Shearer has spoken of his delight and mortal terror at being cast in brass and permanently entombed in front of St James’ Park.
The former striker’s living tomb was officially unveiled at a ceremony yesterday that was briefly delayed when Shearer made a bolt for freedom.
Fortunately the 46-year-old was never blessed with much pace and was easily recaptured to be condemned to his glorious fate by Newcastle’s Lord Mayor Hazel Stephenson.
“We could think of no more fitting tribute to one of Newcastle’s most loyal servants than to display him like a pharaoh outside the stadium,” Stephenson told FourFourTwo.
“I think we all wish that there had been a little less swearing, elbowing and biting involved, but this statue will serve as a reminder to all young lads that this is what you can look forward to if you show loyalty to Newcastle.
“Alan will now live on forever. Not literally, of course, as he’ll almost certainly be asphyxiated pretty quickly, but he’ll live on in the memories of all who gaze upon this statue. If you stand close enough to it, you can almost hear his voice roaring with pride of asking for a sandwich.”
Premature asphyxiation
Some critics have suggested that the statue could have waited until Shearer had passed away, but officials pointed out that by then the club will almost certainly have been sold off to Chinese investors as a mining concern.
“It’s the greatest honour I could ever have wished for to be permanently enshrined at St James’ Park, but on the other hand it’s the cruelest torture imaginable to be permanently enshrined at St James’ Park,” Shearer told FFT through the brass.
“I’ve always said that I love this club and that a piece of me will always be here, but I guess I’d never imagined that phrase could be taken literally. At least from here I should just about be able to hear when a goal goes in.”
It is unclear whether Shearer’s entombing will have any impact on his role as a pundit on BBC’s Match of the Day, but sources inside the BBC have reassured viewers that his level of insight will be largely unaffected.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Obviously.
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