"What you doing in there?" my nan shouts at me from outside the toilet. "Have you got an upset stomach?"
"Yes - it's really bad," I reply with no sense of guilt that I've told her a complete lie. As she totters off to the kitchen to finish cooking lunch I load the ESPN Goals app on my Sony Ericsson XPERIA smartphone.
After failing to convince my dad to let me skip this family get-together so I could watch Everton v Arsenal on TV, I'm determined to keep up with the latest from Goodison Park. I've been feigning illness in the toilet for 10 minutes, eagerly reading every comment from the live update feed.
The words "GOAL Song puts Arsenal in front!" flashes up on my screen. "YYYEEEESSS!!!" I shout. Luckily my nan wouldn't hear a brass band if it marched into her lounge. She watches EastEnders with subtitles.
"Lunch is ready," my nan yells. I make a miraculous recovery and head straight for the dinner table where I take up my seat next to my cousin. "What have you been doing in the toilet? I know there's nothing wrong with you," he asks.
"I've been keeping up-to-date with the football on my phone - Arsenal are winning 1-0," I boast with the glee for a fan in the know. "Get in! Shame I won't be able to see the goals tonight on Match of the Day 2 - I've got to go to my girlfriends and she'll never let me watch it."
"Fear not. With the ESPN Goals app you can see videos of all the goals and highlights from all Barclays Premier League matches over the next three seasons â within minutes of the action on the pitch. IâÂÂve managed to blag this app for free for the next three months by buying my XPERIA in November. After lunch we'll watch the goals."
"Result!"
After inhaling our Sunday roast we scurry out to the shed claiming we're going to look for some tools to fix the leaky tap in my nan's bathroom - another complete lie.
By this time Cesc Fabregas has doubled Arsenal's lead and we excitedly jump and down as we watch the goals on my Sony Ericsson XPERIA smartphone.
I waste no time getting straight on Facebook and Twitter to express my unhealthy man love for the swashbuckling midfielder. My cousin receives a text - he looks at his current phone with a tinge of disappointment - it's his girlfriend.
"Can we watch Sex in the City 2 tonight x" It reads. A devilish smile cracks across his face.
"She doesn't know I've seen the goals. I can pretend I'm sacrificing MOTD 2 to watch her soppy film - that means massive brownie points. This app is genius," he beams.
