Although we always appreciate the multitudes of you who lend us your time to read our ramblings (we say 'lend', you aint getting it back), there have been complaints, mainly from the magical pixies round the back of the website that upload it, that this Premier League preview blog, frankly, goes on a bit.
So for one week only â promise â the previews will be reduced to 17 syllables, in haiku form.
DonâÂÂt say we didnâÂÂt warn you.
SATURDAY
Aston Villa v Arsenal (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)
Tale of two Fabs: Cesc
Hammyknack; Almunia
Not Fabianski?
What wonâÂÂt happen: A red card: though games involving Arsenal games have produced more reds this season than any other team (eight), Villa spectators havenâÂÂt seen one (except on the telly)
What will happen: Fabianski to keep his place in an away win despite return of Collins and Carew for Villa
Bolton v Blackpool (3pm)
Wow â Bolton are good!
But âÂÂPool love the North: wins at
Wigan, Toon, Anfield.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Bolton to let up their amazing run
What will happen: Charlie Adam to score from outside the box: heâÂÂs had 26 shots from that distance already. Home win
Everton v West Brom (3pm)
No Baggies win at
Goodison since âÂÂ70s
And Brunt out too. Ouch.
What wonâÂÂt happen: An exciting high-tempo game between these two out of form teams
What will happen: This haiku thing to get really old really quickly (sorry, but in the words of the sadly departed Magnus Magnusson, weâÂÂve started so weâÂÂll finish). Bore draw
Fulham v Birmingham (3pm)
Few injury woes
For either side, but Fulham
Hardly the form team.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Lee Bowyer to score again. Ever.
What will happen: Fulham struggle to bounce back from last weekâÂÂs thrashing but claim an important draw against an improving Birmingham
Manchester United v Blackburn (3pm, 2nd half only on 5 Live Radio, full commentary on 5 Live Sports Extra)
Man United not
On the telly? Surely not.
Who watches Roo now?
What wonâÂÂt happen: Blackburn, looking so poor until recently, make it four wins from five
What will happen: United do the job with little fuss
Stoke v Manchester City (3pm, Absolute Radio Extra)
What? Man City not
On the telly? Surely not.
Two such graceful teams!
What wonâÂÂt happen: StokeâÂÂs new proposal to the Premier League to be implemented: just count the second half. TheyâÂÂd be top
What will happen: The grumbling around Mancini to die down a touch after another good away win
West Ham v Wigan (3pm)
Victor Obinna
Shot Count: 47. Goal
Count: big fat zero.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Golazooooo! This pair have the two lowest shots-to-goals ratio of any team in the league this season. Cows arses need not fear banjo players
What will happen: A painful game but a crucial three points for West Ham
Wolves v Sunderland (3pm)
âÂÂRemember us, Mick?
âÂÂWe Black Cats were crap with you;
âÂÂNow weâÂÂre good; howâÂÂs Wolves?âÂÂ
What wonâÂÂt happen: SunderlandâÂÂs impressive seventh place to last into the New Year
What will happen: Big Mick to taste relegation yet again? ItâÂÂs looking increasingly likely, especially after an away win here
SUNDAY
Newcastle v Chelsea (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)
Coloccini banned
And Williamson too, so
First Toon start for Sol?
What wonâÂÂt happen: Chelsea havenâÂÂt lost three league games on the trot since the last millennium. Expect it to stay that way
What will happen: No Essien, Terry and Lampard spells trouble for Chelsea, but they muddle through to a draw
Spurs v Liverpool (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, 5 Live Radio)
Stoke loss, West Ham win:
Reds veer from crisis to joy
As per. Calm down, dears.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A calm, reasoned, long-term review of LiverpoolâÂÂs fortunes from their fans, instead of week-by-week schizophrenia
What will happen: And indeed, as Spurs win itâÂÂs back to âÂÂThe biggest disaster in the clubâÂÂs historyâ and calls for HodgsonâÂÂs head
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