Manchester United boss Louis van Gaal is adamant that his players will be present for next season’s Champions League, but squad members have admitted their concerns about his plan.
Van Gaal was bullish despite the Red Devils’ Europa League loss to Liverpool, insisting that United wouldn’t miss out on Europe’s showpiece club competition next season. But key members of the Dutchman’s team have voiced their suspicions that his conviction is misguided.
Ryan Giggs is turning in 12-hour days opening plastic packets because Van Gaal can only do so many with his stubby fingers
While journalists have assumed that Van Gaal’s masterplan involves a superb end to the season on the field, players have started to suspect it may in fact have more to do with the vast quantity of Walkers crisps multipacks that have been arriving at Old Trafford in recent weeks.
“Van Gaal keeps telling us that he has complete faith we will be visiting the Camp Nou and the Allianz Arena next season,” midfielder Marouane Fellaini told FFT.
“Then he retreats to a store cupboard where we can hear the unmistakeable sound of crisp packets being opened, punctuated by guttural grunts of disappointment.
“When he does come to training now caked in crisp crumbs, his breath reeking of cheese and to a lesser extent onion, he barely has the energy to bark poorly translated whimsical Dutch sayings at us.
“Ryan Giggs is turning in 12-hour days opening plastic packets because Van Gaal can only do so many with his stubby fingers. It’s heartbreaking to see one of the great players of his generation sadly shaking his head as he fails to convert chance after chance.”
One in a million
Sometimes I think Van Gaal’s energies would be better spent trying to find a tactical approach that could overcome Man City
Just as morale was starting to flag, Giggs uncovered a winning ticket, prompting wild celebrations until it was ascertained that he’d only won an inflatable football goal.
“The thing that nobody has quite managed to get across to the gaffer is that even if he were to uncover 11 winning tickets – 18 including subs – the chances of which are less than one in a million, we would only be going to one Champions League game as spectators,” Jesse Lingard admitted to FFT.
“Sometimes I think Van Gaal’s energies would be better spent trying to find a tactical approach that could overcome Man City, sparking a winning run that includes heroic victories over Spurs and Leicester.
“Actually, having said that, it probably makes most sense that he keeps ploughing through the prawn cocktail crisps.”
No team has ever won a competition they have failed to qualify for, with the exception of Denmark whose players conquered Euro ’92 despite only being in Sweden for a stag do.
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