VAR shows Low’s hand was definitely down his trousers

The VAR system has played its part in the Confederations Cup once again by catching Joachim Low surreptitiously luxuriating in his private man musk during Germany’s victory over Mexico.

Mexico’s bench appealed to the referee after Low appeared to have his hand down his trousers during the second half, but the officials didn’t have a clear view of the incident.

Thanks to the pioneering VAR system, after a brief delay, the officiating team received definitive evidence that Low had brazenly caressed his man junk before revelling in his aroma on several occasions during the second half, casting an unpleasant cloud over his team’s accomplished performance.

“We knew something was awry when Leon Goretzka was substituted and proceeded to duck and weave like a boxer as Low attempted to ruffle his hair affectionately,” a FIFA spokesman told FourFourTwo.

“Now, in the past, however cheesy Low’s hand smelt there would be nothing we could do, but that’s the beauty of the VAR system.

“In just a few seconds we were able to establish definitively that Mr Low not only had a clear case of stink hand but had been secretly basking in his ball pong for the best part of 45 minutes.

“This is just the Confederations Cup, so it’s good to nip this in the bud. You can only imagine the kind of odours he could be cooking up by the time the World Cup comes around if left unchecked.” 

Low now faces a two- or three-game ban from the inside of his boxers and referees are expected to keep a closer eye on him in future encounters.

“Spending a couple of seconds rooting around in there is part and parcel of the modern game,” FIFA’s spokesman conceded. “But we need to crack down on Low’s funk fingers before they start to endanger the wellbeing of the other players and coaches around him.” 

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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