FFT.com's Rob Burnett rounds up the week's best â and worst â videos
Welcome, dear readers, to this weekâÂÂs collection of humdingers and howlers as we chart the eternal quest of the worldâÂÂs footballers to contrive to entertain in the most brilliant and the most ridiculous fashion: itâÂÂs Video Stars.
OGGY OGGY OGGY!
LetâÂÂs do the clangers before the bangers because, letâÂÂs face it, theyâÂÂre often more fun. And there's nothing more fun than an own goal.
Firstly, lucky old Marseille prove you donâÂÂt even have to score to win as BordeauxâÂÂs Maroune Chamakh heads into his own net to give OM a 1-0 win and himself a red face.
Chamakh (right): "Je suis desolée!"
And there must have been something dans l'eau because St Etienne defender Mouhamadou Dabo really went the extra mile to score for Caen. Turned by the visitors' midfielder Ben Khalfallah, Dabo set off in hot pursuit; when Khalfallah shot straight at the St Etienne keeper, Dabo was first on the scene to tuck home the rebound for a comedy oggy.
However, the best own goal of the week came from dear old Blighty, Hartlepool to be exact, as Walsall skipper Anthony Gerrard - cousin of Stevie - loses his footing and screws the ball into the top corner of his own net when attempting to hoof a clearance out of the ground.
Virgin Media were even kind enough to name Gerrard their 'Clown of the Week' and reproduce the clip accompanied by some circus-like music. Tremendous.
MINISTRY OF DEFENCE
Defenders don't always get the glory they deserve. PSV defender Carlos Salcido deserved kudos for slicing haplessly over his own keeper at Volendam, but Rowin van Zaanen greedily tapped home instead.
That was a mere consolation at the end of a 5-3 away win, but comic defenders can prove impressively unalert right from the off. Take Bayern MunichâÂÂs Martin Demichelis spectacularly failing to intercept a first-minute through-ball with either foot or head, begging Dortmund's Nelson Valdez to score.
Those who demand a cohesive defensive unit working toward a common goal â for the opposition â will be proud of how Sporting's backline combine to make a right old show of dealing with some Braga pressure.
KEEPERS WEEPERS
It's not always their own men who make keepers look stupid. Sometimes they manage it all by themselves. Leixoes' brilliantly-named Brazilian Chumbinho shows Trofense keeper Paulo Lopes why you shouldn't leave your near post unguarded, even if the free-kick is within 10 yards of the corner flag.
For the consistent goalkeeper, one mistake isn't enough. NAC BredaâÂÂs Jelle ten Rouwelaar is less total football and more total cock-up as first of all he fumbles a shot allowing Smarsson to put Heerenveen 2-1 up, then palms a corner into the thick of the six-yard box for the inevitable 3-1.
Bit of advice: Don't go for a nice hike roud the box for no reason. Or you'll end up like Nice goalie David Ospina against Lyon. And if you're going to have a barnet as bad as Sochaux keeper Teddy Richert, don't turn your place of work into the stage for a comedy of errors.
Finally, remember you're in the Goalkeeper's Union. So if you witness your opposite number gift a clearance straight to a hungry striker, as Getafe's Jacobo did to Espanyol's Ivan Alonso, make sure you level it up like Cristian Alvarez did by flapping at a cross a few minutes later.
Alvarez: "áLo siento!"
MEET THE MISSES
The most significant miss of the week has to be the early scoop from John Terry; Mr Reliable may have supported Luiz Felipe Scolari but the ensuing 0-0 was the last Chelsea game the Brazilian presided over. Of course, no such nonsense would ever occur in a team managed by Jose Mourinho. Ask InterâÂÂs Maicon.
One more thing: keep your eyes on the prize. When you've rounded the keeper â known in Pundit Cliché World as "doing the hard bit" â don't waft high, wide and ugly, like Lorient's Kevin Gameiro.
GOL!
After all those gaffes youâÂÂd be forgiven for thinking all footballers are concrete-footed clodders capable only of spectacular buffoonery. LetâÂÂs have a look at the weekâÂÂs top goals to redress the balance.
First up, remember the old Villa midfielder Thomas âÂÂDer Hammerâ Hitzlsperger? Leverkusen keeper Rene Adler wonâÂÂt: watch as the Stuttgart midfielderâÂÂs 20-yard free kick nearly decapitates him.
Hitzlsperger: "Bosh!"
Also fond of putting his foot through the ball is Slovenian Dalibor Stevanovic, judging by the way he hammers Vitesse Arnhem 2-1 up against Ajax. Answers on a postcard if you can work out what his celebration is all aboutâ¦
View this virtuoso Vucinic volley, which puts Roma 2-0 up against Genoa after a great run from Daniele de Rossi. Indeed it was a vintage weekend for Roma goals â watch Julio Baptista motoring down the wing, cutting inside and WALLOP!
Remember Chumbinho making a chump of Paulo Lopes? See him doing it again by curling home brilliantly from the edge of the box. Those who prefer a loopy swirling lob should check out Bayern-bound Monchengladbach kid Alexander Baumjohann against Hoffenheim.
But while Vitoria GuimaraesâÂÂs Joao Fajardo will probably claim this looping goal against Maritimo was a shot rather than a cross, heâÂÂs not fooling anyone.
Also evidently able to score from distance is in-form PSGâÂÂs Stephane Sessigna, judging by this 20-yard effort at Nantes. Dig it out and dig it in, son. And while Ligue Un's top scorer Andre-Pierre Gignac is hardly the sveltest striker you ever saw, he puts all his weight behind this 25-yard lasher for Toulouse v Le Mans to cap a 2-0 win.
Splendidly-named Sparta Rotterdam player Rydell Poepon batters home from 30 yards after having a free kick rolled into his path â a tactic also used to excellent effect by Utrecht's Ali Boussaboun against ADO Den Haag.
This weekâÂÂs overhead kick comes from the Greek Super League, specifically Emmanouil Papasterianos of Iraklis who notched against Ergotelis.
And finally â while that sort of behaviour is a dim and distant memory for him now â we canâÂÂt finish without dofing the hat to Ryan Giggs rolling back the years at West Ham, dummying defenders before sneaking his shot through a crowded penalty area. Llongyfarchiadau i Ryan!
Giggs: "Diolch yn fawr!"
Enjoy the weekend's games â and send details of any great goals or gormless gaffes to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com
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