A thought struck the other night, while watching Ashley Young. What happens when he turns 30, and canâÂÂt be described â in football terms â as Young any more?
ItâÂÂs a real concern to team-mate Luke Young, who hits the big Three-Oh next summer. Although to be honest, that square-jawed son of the soil never did âÂÂlook young.â (Try it in a Peter Kay accent.)
But rarely do names reliably indicate the mark of a man. Word reaches us from Barcelona that Lionel Messi keeps a very tidy apartment. Glen LittleâÂÂs 6ft 3in tall. KilmarnockâÂÂs Danny Invincibile has often tasted defeat. Ian Rush is a man of leisure. And Ruud GullitâÂÂs very polite.
Hull CityâÂÂs Ryan France isnâÂÂt French, but then again his team-mate John Welsh is English, Mike EnglandâÂÂs Welsh, Alan BrazilâÂÂs Scottish and SwanseaâÂÂs Jason Scotland is Trinidadian. Compared to that lot, Man CityâÂÂs Stephen Ireland is a paragon of common sense. And thereâÂÂs a sentence you donâÂÂt see very often.
Robert Green: That's more like it
The world would be a better place if Robert Green was green â a Hulkian hue, that is, not worldy-unwise. ItâÂÂd be fun to witness a hard-fought chess match between wild-eyed Darlo defender Alan White and Inverness hardman Ian Black. (You can, if you wish, add your own Wes Brown joke.) And weâÂÂd pay to watch TranmereâÂÂs Bas Savage clash with DarlingtonâÂÂs Lewis Hardman, although our enthusiasm might not be shared by StockportâÂÂs Christopher Coward.
But if visible characteristics are easy to assess, personal traits are harder to guess. Is QPRâÂÂs Adam Bolder than Modest Mbami of Ghana? Is HuddersfieldâÂÂs Aaron Hardy? Is, for that matter, the oft-subbed Liverpool new boy Robbie Keane?
If the authorities want transparency in football, players should be made to honour their names. Crime-fighting Shrewsbury duo James Constable and Shane Sherriff should endeavour to bring PeterboroughâÂÂs Billy Crook before BlackburnâÂÂs Alan Judge (and possibly Gordon Durie).
Ricardo tends to Tim
DarloâÂÂs Ryan Valentine should try to win Joe Hart. QPRâÂÂs Lee Cook should get busy with ChesterfieldâÂÂs Darren Currie and WycombeâÂÂs Robert Rice.
LincolnâÂÂs Stefan Oakes is probably glad he didnâÂÂt spend much time at Sincil Bank with Jamie Forrester, now pulling up trees for Notts County. Similarly, Bolton's Ricardo Gardner should tend to the every need of Tim Flowers, not to mention HerefordâÂÂs Richard Rose.
GrimsbyâÂÂs Martin Butler should be at the beck and call of GillinghamâÂÂs Simon King, while Billy Paynter (Swindon) must surely acknowledge his debt to ex-West Ham full-back Paul Brush. And if the Bristol Rovers physio needs some help with David Pipe, he could call on a panoply of Plummers: Andrew (Ipswich), Matt (Hull) and Tristian (Luton).
BoltonâÂÂs Matt is one of many Taylors who might like to meet LincolnâÂÂs Jack Cotton and MansfieldâÂÂs Gary Silk. BarnetâÂÂs Phil Carpenter could make something of BrentfordâÂÂs Sam Wood, but Notts CountyâÂÂs Richard Butcher might not find his phone calls returned by Barry Venison...
