First Harry Potter, now the World Cup. Arsenal forward Theo WalcottâÂÂs England Under-21 commitments meant he missed out on a cameo role in Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix in the summer of 2006. A shock inclusion for England in 2006, a shock omission in 2010, young Gunners starlet Walcott still has time to make like a phoenix and resurrect his career.
The cynical view â that Arsene Wenger's star pupil has been living off that hat-trick against Croatia for nearly two years now â has some merit but in 2009/10, even hampered by injuries, he still produced the goods against the best team in the world, Barcelona, at the Emirates Stadium and is in better form than the man who took his place, Shaun Wright-Phillips of Manchester City.
Pundits like Chris Waddle have pointed to the 21-year-oldâÂÂs poor decision-making but The Times headline âÂÂWright-Phillips benefits as Capello discards unfulfilled potentialâ alludes to the central puzzle. If Walcott is to be discarded because of his decision-making and unfulfilled potential, what, then, are the grounds for selecting Wright-Phillips who, despite increasingly rare flashes of brilliance, now plays with the desperate, unconvincing air of a one-trick pony who has forgotten what his trick is?
If Walcott had been chosen over Wright-Phillips, The Times could easily have run the headline âÂÂWalcott benefits as Capello discards unfulfilled potentialâ¦âÂÂ
Every squad selection is a risk but has Capello taken the wrong risk? If he was going to discard experience and gamble on promise, the most mesmerising prospect on the wing must be Adam Johnson who, aside from his raw talent and brilliant form, has already shown a richer understanding of the game than Walcott or Wright-Phillips.
"Balls - I've already cancelled the newspapers and milk for June!"
Gazza agonistes
WalcottâÂÂs omission was at least handled with dignity. No tell-all stories, no reports of the Arsenal star threatening Don Fabio with a golf club. But then Capello probably didnâÂÂt have a little lite saxophone music by Kenny G playing in the background to ease the tension, as Glenn Hoddle did when he broke the bad news to Gazza in 1998.
GazzaâÂÂs exclusion was car crash TV before the term was even invented. Throughout the weekend in La Manga before the final 22 was announced, the starâÂÂs tomfoolery, drinking and karaoke singing (ElvisâÂÂs Wooden Heart was a particular favourite) failed to dispel his nagging conviction that Hoddle was going to drop him.
After a round of golf on the Sunday, Gazza was, depending on which account you believe, drunk or distraught or both. He told teammates: âÂÂThis is sh*t, IâÂÂm gone. I canâÂÂt do it any moreâÂÂ. In a desperate bid to sort him out, the squadâÂÂs recovering alcoholics Tony Adams and Paul Merson took him down to the swimming pool, stripped him and threw him in.
Gazza was due to see Hoddle at 5.15pm but even before he entered the room, he could read the bad news in the anguished, evasive behaviour of Glenn Roeder, the member of the England coaching staff who knew him best.
As soon as Hoddle said, âÂÂIâÂÂm sorry Paul, youâÂÂre not coming to France, youâÂÂre not fit enoughâÂÂ, Gazza started weeping. (Bizarrely, Hoddle had dreamt of Gazza crying over a table in front of him only a few nights before.) Just as the player turned to go, he went berserk, his rage spilling out in a torrent of abuse and a swift kick at a chair. Like a man possessed, Gazza turned and, just as Hoddle thought he was about to be punched, smashed a lamp over the floor. The noise of the shattering glass prompted one of HoddleâÂÂs assistants (not, as Gazza says in his memoirs, his teammates) to rush in and help the player to his room.
The word soon spread and David Seaman ran to GazzaâÂÂs hotel room to find his teammate weeping uncontrollably and looking, in the keeperâÂÂs words, âÂÂlike a man totally destroyedâÂÂ. In a weekend in which the greatest England midfielder of his generation committed professional suicide, the coup de grace was his decision to sell his side of the story to the Sun.
The omission made professional sense. GazzaâÂÂs antics, which had once rallied the squad, had begun to divide it. Reading the accounts by the principal players, you sense there was something deeper. A cavalier as a player, Hoddle had become a roundhead as a coach and was disgusted by what he saw as GascoigneâÂÂs sheer lack of professionalism.
Gazza returns to England after his fracas with a Spanish lamp
Ian Hamilton even suggested that Hoddle did not want a rival âÂÂsoccer godâ in the squad especially one who was an icon to younger players who couldnâÂÂt remember Hoddle in his heyday but had vivid memories of Italia 90.
In truth, as we have seen countless times since â Romario in 2006, Ronaldinho in 2010 â almost every coach would have made the same decision as Hoddle.
But Sunday 31 May 1998 was the day GazzaâÂÂs world fell apart. And heâÂÂs not managed to put it back together ever since.
Great World Cup clowns
In tribute to GazzaâÂÂs clowning (this is after all the man who once said âÂÂIâÂÂve made more money from tears than Ken DoddâÂÂ) â and as part of an intermittent, feeble campaign to challenge the stereotype of German footballers as paragons of dour Teutonic efficiency â I have been trying to compile a list of great World Cup clowns.
Top of the list has to be striker Gert Dorfel who missed the cut for West GermanyâÂÂs 1962 squad after impressing in the qualifiers and consoled himself by amassing one of the worldâÂÂs greatest collections of popular music. He sometimes handed out candy to children during games and earned a living as a clown after he hung up his boots.
Ulrich Hesse kindly sent me this clip of Philip Lahm helping a cooler, German kind of Paul Daniels, make magic on a German TV show called Stars In The Circus Ring. I could watch nonsense like this all day. Lucky I have a day job. But if you think of any great World Cup clowns or circus acts, get in touch.
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