The worst Italy team anyone can remember is still full of cunning, skilful, Italian-style bastards, it emerged last night.
Italy defeated Belgium 2-0 in a display characterised by ruthlessness, discipline, bastardry, and various other qualities inevitably associated with Italian teams down the years.
The goals were scored by Emanuele Giaccherini, also called the white Stephane Sessegnon, and Graziano Pelle, widely known as ‘the Latin Shane Long’.
Behind them, a defence built around tough, experienced Italians, shielded by a midfield of streetwise, cynical Italians proved more than enough to neutralise a Belgium side that had no Italians in it whatsoever.
“Most of these players wouldn’t have got near an Italy squad in any other decade,” said Italy fan Piero Gualtieri. “‘Ciro Immobile’ translates as ‘stationary waxwork’, which is about right, and Matteo Darmian isn’t fit to wax Beppe Bergomi’s moustache.
“Except, they’re Italians, and as such, capable of winkling a result out of nothing through bloody-mindedness, tactical fouling, and the odd piece of incandescent skill.
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“Belgium asked some tough questions of us. Questions like, are you prepared to tread a fine line between gamesmanship and cheating in your ferocious commitment to defending a lead, which is to say, are you Italian? And now we know the answer.”
Belgium fan Yves Vanwelden said: “We showed some good flashes but ultimately we weren’t quite good enough to make a memorable impact.
“It’s almost as though we were a team full of Belgians.”
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you already knew that, right?
