The outgoing head of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, and the Prince of Darkness are longstanding business partners, after Satan helped Blatter into power in 1998 in exchange for his immortal soul.
Blatter had been close to death until the intervention of his infernal lord and master, who breathed the fumes of Hades into the Swiss lawyer’s lungs and carved a fresh pentagram into his shrivelled chest.
Satan said: “You have served me well, my child, but you cannot falter now, not while we are so close to achieving our goals.
“Go forth and spread my whispers. Extinguish the last embers of fans’ joy. Keep the World Cup in Qatar, anoint [Michel] Platini as your heir, and destroy any sense of fairness by letting Sunderland stay up yet again.
“All the little devils are proud of FIFA.”
Work not yet done
Football theologian Anthony Rice said: “Only when football is entirely controlled by sinister oligarchs, faceless corporations and corrupt administrators, will Blatter’s life’s work have been achieved.
“Then the Great Beast Of Lies will emerge from under the Wembley turf, and the Silent One will envelop the world in its tentacles and drag us all into the chthonic darkness.
“But I’d say that’s a good seven or eight months away, so matches this season shouldn’t be affected.”
Once the beautiful game is destroyed forever, Blatter will take up his new role as Duke of Hell, where he is expected to call on the legions of succubi to wear even tighter shorts.
