20. Zbigniew Boniek
The Polish midfielder scrapes into this list largely because of how recognisable his facial hair made him. Sure, it's not the tidiest or fullest growth we've ever seen, but the novelty of a ginger moustache counts for something.
19. Giuseppe Bergomi
With his dominant monobrow, thick curls and bushy hedgerow on his top lip, Italian defender Bergomi often looked more hair than man. Extra points for the unevenness of the moustache.
18. Vicente del Bosque
The former Real Madrid and Spain boss was football's greatest exponent of the lampshade moustache, which undoubtedly played a major part in La Roja's success at the 2010 World Cup and Euro 2012.
17. Ruud Gullit
The former Milan man loses marks for the unevenness of his offering, but the dreadlocked Dutchman just about managed to carry it off. Gullit-themed wigs and moustaches can still be purchased from online fancy dress stores.
16. David Seaman
Try to ignore the ridiculously busy England kit, if that's even possible. Seaman was famous for his muzzy, although he did once tell FFT about a time he shaved it off.
"The best thing about it was that I was in Portugal," he explained in 2004. "I’d already been there for a week when I shaved it off so the rest of my face was bright red and I had this white strip where the ’tache used to be!"
15. Guus Hiddink
That's right, the Guus Hiddink. The Dutchman shaved off his moustache during his time as Real Madrid manager, perhaps in an attempt to convince the club's trigger-happy board that he was a different person altogether and had only just arrived at the Bernabeu in search of a coaching job.
14. Graeme Souness
Would you tell Souness his 'tache didn't suit him? Of course you wouldn't. In fairness to the former Liverpool hardnut, he managed to get a decent amount of growth and probably looked even more scary with his top lip covered.
13. Rene Higuita
Higuita had a lot going on, what with the hair, the free-kicks and the scorpion imitations, so you'd almost be forgiven for forgetting his moustache. Almost. Although a little patchy, you can't fault the Colombian for effort.
12. Neville Southall
Back in simpler times, when he was keeping goal for Everton rather than admiring skeletons or criticising the Tory government, Big Nev wore a no-nonsense chevron moustache.
11. Frank Worthington
Has anyone ever looked cooler in a Leicester shirt? Not Robert Huth, that's for sure. A cult hero in the 1970s and 1980s, Worthington combined a simple moustache with flowing, luscious looks and a reputation as a ladies' favourite. Ooh aah.
10. Rudi Voller
Few German footballers sported a more recognisable oberlippenbart than the mop-haired Voller, who's migrated into full facial hair territory in recent times. Come on Rudi, do the right thing for Movember.
9. Bob Holmes
Including Victorians in this list is basically cheating, but just look at him. Holmes survived the longest of Preston’s 1888/89 "Invincibles", something we put down entirely to that moustache.
8. Frans Struis
Blond ’taches don’t come much better than that adorning Dutch midfielder Frans Struis (translation: ‘French ostrich’), pictured on the far right of the bottom row. Indeed, it seemed to weigh down his face if he ever attempted to smile.
7. Rivelino
A star of the Brazil team which triumphed at the 1970 World Cup, Rivelino - also known, confusingly, as Rivellino - was just of many stylish Selecao stars. Bold and bushy, the forward was instantly recognisable by his upper lip.
6. Billy Hughes
Combining bushiness with droopiness, Scotland one-cap wonder Hughes rocked impressive face fuzz at Sunderland and Leicester in the ’70s. ‘Robin Friday meets Burt Reynolds’ is an intimidating look in a dark alley.
5. Artur Jorge
The great Benfica striker and itinerant manager grew the very definition of a soup-strainer – in fact, the fish and salad courses were probably in there as well. Part Tintin’s Thomson and Thompson, part Tosh from The Bill, it was entirely magnificent.
4. Ronald Spelbos
He’s a maverick down-and-out detective, one day from retirement, and he doesn’t play by the rules. Alternatively, he’s a 1980s Dutch defender who clearly lost a bet.
3. John Wark
As a UEFA Cup winner with Ipswich, European Cup runner-up with Liverpool and co-star with Michael Caine in Escape To Victory, midfielder Wark would’ve commanded more respect if his moustache’s wispy tendrils hadn’t summoned mental images of Droopy the dog.
2. Paul Breitner
It's hard not to wonder how long Breitner spent perfecting his horseshoe moustache, at least until you realise the answer is: "it doesn't matter because just look how brilliant it is".
1. Albert Iremonger
We’re not saying the Notts County keeper definitely assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but if the overhanging monobrow and Dick Dastardly whiskers weren’t villainous enough, his name was Iremonger. Not Ironmonger – Iremonger. He monged ire; he traded in wrath; he dealt in outrage. It’s a short step from arguing with referees (as he did) to starting a world war.
