Game’s gone
We don’t want to go all Yer Da’ on things – we’d much rather enjoy football than rally against the modern game.
But we’re also not robots. There are certain things that you can’t help but simmer with fury about; trivial little things you can't help but mutter to yourself about in a quiet rage.
We asked out Twitter followers recently what annoyed them the most about modern football…and we listened. Here are a selection of the more reasonable answers – with some of our own sprinkled on top for good measure.
Kick-off times with no regards for away fans
Every diehard fan has been through the cross-country trip that starts before dawn or ends in the early hours of the following morning.
These kick-off times have only become more and more frequent. There’s no excuse, but one: TV revenue. Because you’ve not had enough of that, have you?
Transfer deadline day hysteria
Deadline day is exciting and far more than a day of administration as some people claim.
However, we’re too in thrall to the yellow-tie brigade, who actually gave Fulham a pat on the back for forking out £100m in one summer, like that was the target. Look how that went.
Fairytale cup ties being branded ‘lucrative’
A fourth-tier minnow is pitted against one of the Premier League giants in the cup. Their fans immediately can’t help but picture scenes of a famous upset – and indoor toilets.
Then, the well-meaning-but-point-missing host ruins the moment completely by asking the small team’s owner what the tie means for club finances.
The current state of the offside rule
When you see referees picking over slow-motion replays to try to work out if a striker’s shoulder blade is offside at the exact moment the ball leaves his team-mate’s foot, maybe it’s time to ask if the original purpose of the rule has been lost: discouraging goal poachers.
Clapping through a minute’s silence
More specifically, the need to do this because a group of adults aren’t capable of standing quietly and respectfully without someone booing (and then being booed, making things worse).
Applause is supposed to celebrate life, but comes across as something of a half-hearted gesture of congratulations for dying, which is why it’s not done on Remembrance Sunday.
"Can I have your shirt?" signs
The pathetic, pleading Oliver Twist characters with incorrectly spelled signs, trying to make their team’s star player feel guilty before the whistle has even blown to start the game.
No, you can’t have it. He’s promised to give it to his opposite number at the break as they hug and laugh their way down the tunnel.
FA Cup semi-finals at Wembley
On the one hand, smaller clubs deserve to be rewarded for making it to the semi-finals given that the inequality in English football means only two of the last 54 finalists have been from outside the top flight.
On the other, surely it should require more than winning a quarter-final clash to ‘book a ticket to Wembley’. It’s just wrong.
Throwing pints in fan zones
It was England’s World Cup run last year that saw pint throwing take off – literally.
But when it was still going on after Gareth Southgate’s brave boys took a 5-0 lead against Panama with a penalty, it became obvious that what was originally an irrational moment of freedom had been replaced by damp attention seeking. What a shame.
Bans for two yellow cards
It makes sense to suspend repeat offenders, and sending a player off for two yellow cards in one game is just the rules.
But why ban a player for picking up two bookings in the course of five matches, like Aaron Ramsey and Ben Davies were at Euro 2016? There’s no point. Get rid of it UEFA, you drones.
Goalkeepers holding onto the ball for too long
It’s not the fault of the goalkeepers but the referees, because the six-second rule does exist.
There was a rare, but satisfying, exception in 2015 when Bordeaux found the net from an indirect free-kick after Liverpool’s Simon Mignolet was punished. Even then, though, he’d had the ball for 20 seconds.
Players covering their mouths when talking
This is mostly annoying because it’s hard to believe they’re saying anything we want to hear.
We’d like to believe some genius training ground move is being talked through, but it’s more likely to be a debate about who has more Instagram followers to decide who gets to smash a free-kick straight into the wall next.
The section of Wembley that's empty from the 45th-55th minutes every game
Without doubt, the most atmosphere-draining section of the new Wembley is those scores of empty cushions.
The inner depths of the ground are like an empty aircraft hanger – why hang around there when actual football is being played?
Social channels dedicated to single players
It’s fine, great even, to have a favourite player. A soft spot, someone you’ve always thought of highly.
However, creating @CR0naldo777977, getting into never-ending arguments with strangers, having meltdowns and responding eagerly to every message your hero posts isn’t good. Find help.
Tabloid 'stories' that aren't stories
There used to be some entertaining inventions back in the day.
Nowadays, though, we see the dull part of the internet regurgitated into ‘content’. Raheem Sterling in Poundland; Raheem Sterling buys his mum a house; Raheem Sterling's dirty car. Wait, there's a theme here...
Goal music
Football wouldn’t really get anywhere without goals, so do they really need the additional 'organised fun' element?
It shouldn’t be too hard to busy yourself with an ecstatic reaction if your team has found the net. You certainly shouldn’t be joining in with chanting’s answer to line-dancing to the sound of a post-ironic reclaimed ‘70s hit.
A 'respect' campaign that doesn't work
Everyone wants football to be passionate, but that doesn’t need to come in the guise of a spittle-flecked oral barrage at a referee for giving the opposition a decision which you know was correct.
We’re with Half Man Half Biscuit: “Wouldn’t it be fun if they gave the ref a gun?”
Away kits being worn for contractual reasons
West Ham used to be able to go through most of a season without having to change out of their home kit.
But now we’re in the age of carefully managed kit releases and a “first chance to see”. It’s nonsense, and it’s there to fleece us. Our club, our badge, our colours.
Daft sponsorship deals
The list of industries in which Manchester United have an ‘official partner’ now includes: digital transformation, global lubricant and fuel retail, coffee, hotel loyalty, mattresses and pillows, logistics, music, spirits, wine, tyres, medical systems, electrical styling, denim, ‘vision’ and paint.
