Julien Faubert (West Ham to Real Madrid, loan)
Paul Merson said Faubert’s agent “should be knighted” for earning him a move to the Bernabeu, but it wasn’t a memorable spell for the defender.
He made just two appearances and appeared to fall asleep while on the bench, although he later told FourFourTwo: “I just closed my eyes because I was bored for half a second and they took a picture and said I was sleeping! But I don’t sleep on the bench – I prefer a bed...”
After Faubert also managed to miss training by mistake, the Merengues decided not to make his move permanent. After all, the stony expression of club legend Alfredo Di Stefano at the Frenchman’s presentation said it all.
Bebe (Vitoria de Guimaraes to Manchester United)
Some of the myths about Bebe aren’t true. Rumours ranged from that he’d played at the Homeless World Cup (he hadn’t), that United forked out £7m to a Portuguese minnow (Vitoria were a top-five team) and that the player compared himself to Cristiano Ronaldo (he said he shared shooting and running styles with his idol).
He’s also considered by some to have disappeared into the ether, while the winger has in fact been turning out in La Liga for the last four-and-a-half seasons, helping keep Pacos de Ferreira in the Portuguese top flight before then with a 12-goal league haul.
However, one thing is true: spending so much on a 20-year-old hadn’t been watched Alex Ferguson’s most baffling decision.
Allan Simonsen (Barcelona to Charlton)
The current protests by Charlton fans against the club’s owners are merited, but it wouldn’t be a surprise if a few of them are just unhappy to not be signing European champions any more.
Simonsen’s strike won Barcelona their biggest ever continental silverware, the Cup Winners’ Cup, but the Catalans went and signed Diego Maradona to squeeze the Dane out. How he ended up at second-tier Charlton is a mystery, although the forward did once claim that he wanted a quiet life.
Tommy Lawton (Chelsea to Notts County)
More than 70 years may have passed between Lawton’s time at Chelsea and now, but similar problems remain: dressing-room unrest and transfer requests.
Tommy Lawton was prolific alongside Dixie Dean at Everton, as well as Len Goulden and Tommy Walker at Chelsea, but departed the top-flight club in 1947 to join a third division side… for a record transfer fee.
Lawton’s friend and former Stamford Bridge masseur Arthur Stollery was in charge at Notts County, but it’s believed that he wanted out of Chelsea after coming to loggerheads with the club hierarchy and boss. Not much has changed, then...
Steven Caulker (QPR to Liverpool, loan)
The last time Jurgen Klopp had laid eyes on Caulker, the defender had been part of a hopeless Southampton backline that was destroyed 6-1 by his Liverpool side. Bizarrely, he stuck the centre-back up front for his first three games, although Caulker did play a big part in Adam Lallana’s winning goal during their mad 5-4 win over Norwich.
It was a move reminiscent of Stuart Pearce’s decision to stick goalkeeper David James up front to rattle the opposition defence, and we can’t confidently say that the German boss hadn't simply seen Caulker’s goal-per-game international ratio and thought he’d had a lightbulb moment.
Jamie Stevenson (Alloa Athletic to Real Mallorca)
Stevenson’s summer of 2002 would seem farfetched even as a sugar-coated Hollywood script.
The Scottish teenager was spotted by a scout while “messing out on the sideline” of his uncle’s seven-a-side match and ended up on trial with Real Mallorca. Seven goals in three under-18 matches later, Stevenson penned a deal with the club having played just twice for Alloa.
Sadly, there wasn’t a happy ending: Stevenson left the Spanish island before returning to the lower leagues of Scottish football for the next decade to see out a creditable, but less sunny, career.
Kevin Keegan (Hamburg to Southampton)
This switch might be seen as a step up nowadays, but back in February 1980 it was anything but; Hamburg were the reigning German champions while Saints were just getting used to top-flight football again.
On top of that, Keegan had just won his second Ballon d’Or in a row. It would’ve been no less surprising if the English club had signed the actual Mighty Mouse.
Carlos Tevez & Javier Mascherano (MSI to West Ham)
West Ham’s double swoop in 2006 came out of the blue, but even when the Hammers forked out £5.5m in fines for breaching league rules on buying players from third-party owners, they knew it had bought them Premier League status.
Allegedly the Londoners decided they could only afford one player’s bonuses, so picked Tevez as their main goalscorer. It worked, as the Argentine helped keep them up, although Mascherano made just five appearances, losing all of them.
Investigations into third-party ownership began as a result of the move, along with years of litigation from relegated Sheffield United and further erosion of the sport’s monetary and moral boundaries.
Sergei Yuran (Spartak Moscow to Millwall, loan)
“Jimmy Nicholl said I was the most unprofessional player he’d ever met. That was true.”
Yuran was open about the fact that his disaster of a spell at Millwall in 1996 was down to his love of parties, after a transfer that had been seen as both unexpected and exciting at the time.
The candid Russian told his new wife that it was “the way all footballers live in England”, while you have to respect that he had the courage to take liberties with Millwall of all teams.
Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal to Juventus, loan)
There’s no doubt that Bendtner himself felt it was about time, but his season-long loan to the Italian giants caused widespread confusion, most of all among Juventus supporters.
By March, the Turin club still hadn’t sold any Bendtner shirts, and the Dane graced the Serie A champions’ starting XI just twice.
Kyle Lafferty to everyone
Lafferty went to Rangers from Burnley after the initial move had collapsed, then departed Glasgow under a cloud to join Swiss club Sion under renowned madman Gennaro Gattuso.
Next on the Northern Irishman’s tour was Palermo, where he was called an “out of control womaniser” by eccentric club president Maurizio Zamparini, before he headed for Norwich where was frozen out before going on loan to Turkish team Caykur Rizespor.
The striker’s goals took Northern Ireland to Euro 2016, and since his return to Norfolk he’s ended up back at Rangers after spells with Birmingham and Hearts.
Papy Djilobodji (Nantes to Chelsea)
Jose Mourinho isn’t exactly one to rush to the youth academy in times of need, so his failed attempt at landing John Stones in 2015 led to him looking for someone, anyone, to be Chelsea’s fifth-choice centre-back.
Papy Djilobodji was brought in for £4m with almost 200 appearances on his CV at Nantes, but he was left out of Mourinho’s Champions League squad and failed to impress with his 62 seconds of game time as a stoppage-time substitute against Walsall.
Three days later, he joined Werder Bremen on loan and had an impressive campaign that allowed the Blues to double their money by selling him to Sunderland for £8m the following summer. That didn't go well either.
Alejandro Sabella (River to Sheffield United)
Never has such a gifted footballer been cast aside just because he’s not Diego Maradona. Well, the exception of Allan Simonsen.
As a result, Sabella’s big-money move to the Blades leaves people nonplussed nowadays, but not United fans. The midfielder was a popular figure and went on to lead Argentina to a World Cup final as a coach. Take that, Diego.
Craig Davies (Oxford United to Hellas Verona)
You have to question Davies’s idea that moving to Verona would help him in his quest to be selected for Wales. It’s also questionable why a Hellas side battling for promotion back to Serie A were looking in the fourth tier of English football for new talent.
He was brought in for £85,000 on a five-year deal, but played just once for the Italian club before getting homesick and heading back to England to join Wolves. Meanwhile, Verona and Oxford were both relegated. Everyone’s a winner!
Tyrone Mears (Derby to Marseille, loan)
Transfers should be a simple matter requiring just two things: your club letting you go and another team wanting to sign you. For Mears, one of those boxes was ticked.
The full-back turned up at Marseille, whose interest was a surprise in itself, in 2008 after a long-term injury, despite the Rams refusing to let him go. “The chairman and the manager made it clear to the player and Marseille there would be no deal,” said a Derby spokesman.
The banker didn’t agree and neither did Mears, who literally jumped out of a window at the training ground to make his escape to the south of France. He was there for a year on loan and even managed to score in the UEFA Cup before signing for Burnley.
