Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!
What? Too early, you say? Well, IâÂÂm not here next week â face facts now, you shouldnâÂÂt be reading this blog on Christmas Day.
Come in, everybody â make yourselves at home. ItâÂÂs my annual Christmas party for Premier League managers.
Oh, itâÂÂs great fun. We play Pin The Tail On Tony Adams.
Come in, come in. Yes, youâÂÂre first, Carlo. DonâÂÂt worry, Sir Alex will be here soon.
Wait, whoâÂÂs this? Steve Bruce? YouâÂÂre a bit early, chum! Oh dear, and youâÂÂre a bit drunk already. Looks like youâÂÂve peaked too soon. Go and have a sit down â yes, in the middle there.
Avram! Good of you to make it again. YouâÂÂre at the foot of the table, over there.
Have you heard from Mick McCarthy yet? What do you mean heâÂÂs not coming? Resting?! Oh, another big party coming up, has he? I see.
Right, I think everybodyâÂÂs here at last. LetâÂÂs crack open those crackers, delve deep into SantaâÂÂs sack and see what we find, shall we?
A previous Christmas party. Don't fancy yours much...
Saturday
Arsenal vs Hull
WhatâÂÂs Santa brought Phil Brown then? A redundancy package? No, itâÂÂs a new pair of knees for Jimmy Bullard. Oh no, theyâÂÂve broken in the sleigh.
Luckily Santa has a back-up present for Browny: a yearâÂÂs supply of permatan. Lovely.
And for Arsey Arsene, an enema for his fixture congestion.
Christmas cracker: Wenger wins the tug oâ war but complains of exhaustion â this is his third cracker pull in a week.
Out falls a novelty headset and a joke, which reads simply âÂÂPhil Brown." Well, thatâÂÂs not in the spirit of Christmas, is it?
Aston Villa vs Stoke
The eveningâÂÂs grand prize â the Manager of the Month Award â deservingly goes to Martin OâÂÂNeill, while Tony Pulis has to settle for a Thomas Sorensen Stretch Armstrong doll.
âÂÂBah humbug,â heâÂÂs heard to mutter.
Christmas cracker: OâÂÂNeill wrestles the three-pointed cracker out of PulisâÂÂs grasp and paws over the goodies.
The toy is a novelty hairclip, which he promptly gives to his opposite number, and the joke reads: âÂÂWhatâÂÂs the difference between an angry accountant and Tony Pulis? OneâÂÂs a warring banker and the otherâÂÂs a boring wa â â â oh come now, thereâÂÂs no need for that.
Blackburn vs Spurs
Oh, what a lovely present for Harry Redknapp â a mocked-up end-of-season league table with Spurs in fourth.
But whatâÂÂs this? ItâÂÂs crumbled to dust! What shoddy workmanship! Honestly, these elves.
Big Sam gets a blood pressure monitor. Aw, thatâÂÂs nice.
Christmas cracker: ItâÂÂs a battle of the heavyweights as âÂÂArry and Big Sam grasp each end of the cracker with their massive, meaty hands. But itâÂÂs âÂÂArry who prevails, and Big Sam falls over backwards with the effort, clutching his chest.
The toy is a miniature postcard of White Hart Lane for Paul Robinson. It reads "Wish you were here?" "Yes," he sobs.
Fulham vs Manchester United
Roy Hodgson is given an England shirt with âÂÂZamoraâ printed on the back, and as the hand goes into SantaâÂÂs sack once more Fergie prays for a defence-making kit.
But no, itâÂÂs Charles Dickensâ A Christmas Carol â that heartwarming tale about a man who spends his life overworking, moaning about everything and everyone, until one nightâ¦
âÂÂAre you trying to make a point?â asks Fergs, throwing it on the fire.
Christmas cracker: Crackerjack! Against all odds, Hodgson nabs the cracker out of FergieâÂÂs sweaty palms.
The United manager rips up the joke and furiously grabs the toy â a miniature watch.
Manchester City vs Sunderland
Mark HughesâÂÂs present: a nice pair of rose-tinted glasses. Steve BruceâÂÂs gift is a bag of grit, to stop him slipping and sliding down the table.
Christmas cracker: Bruce hopes for his first win in five games (uh, of cracker-pulling) but itâÂÂs Sparky Marky who reaps the rewards.
The toy is a miniature doodle pad. Ideal for those who love to draw.
Portsmouth vs Liverpool
Paul Hart has written Avram GrantâÂÂs Christmas card, and very heartfelt it is too.
âÂÂCome near me again and IâÂÂll kill you,â it reads. Such a nice man â I hope he enjoys his two months at QPR.
For Rafa Benitez, in his best âÂÂTop Four Or Bustâ jumper, itâÂÂs a hardback collection of Famous Last Words.
Christmas cracker: Rafa grabs the cracker, dances around the room and repeatedly tells everyone heâÂÂs back in business (good to see that car dealershipâÂÂs still going then).
Grant gives up on bringing Glen Johnson back to Pompey and falls asleep in front of The Great Escape.
Sunday
Wolves vs Burnley
Santa brings a jigsaw puzzle for Owen Coyle. There's also one for the absent Mick McCarthy, but all the important pieces are missing.
Christmas cracker: A slightly bizarre contest as neither side turns up. Officials declare it a draw.
Meanwhile, Wolves supporter chief Arthur Williams wins Idiotic Quote Of The Week for saying, âÂÂHopefully [McCarthy] will pick a full-strength team against Burnley and make amends.âÂÂ
Well, yes, that was the point.
Everton vs Birmingham
David Moyes gets an odd present from Santa: itâÂÂs an American firecracker with an expiry date of March. Hope he gets some use from that before itâÂÂs too late.
Alex McLeish begrudgingly accepts some crampons, to help keep his feet on the ground as he attempts to climb with unsuitable equipment.
Christmas cracker: Moyes knuckles down and McLeish readies himself for another victory but itâÂÂs one of those rubbish crackers that doesnâÂÂt go bang. Nobody wins.
West Ham vs Chelsea
ItâÂÂs a much-needed first aid kit for Gianfranco Zola (signed, bizarrely, by Dean Ashton), and Carlo Ancelotti is given a brand new cologne called Ruthlessness.
Small bottle, though â not sure if it will last until June.
Christmas cracker: An all-Italian battle ends in triumph for Carlo and despair for Franco against his former buddies. The toy is a plastic Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Oh, thereâÂÂs a joke in this one! âÂÂWhy didnâÂÂt Nicolas Anelka go to the Christmas party? Because nobody likes him.â ThatâÂÂs not very nice, Santa.
Monday
Wigan vs Bolton
Santa brings Roberto Martinez the Rage Against The Machine single (itâÂÂs his favourite) but Gary MegsonâÂÂs present is a lump of coal! Boooo. He must have been a naughty boy.
Christmas cracker: Megson gets stuck into the sherry after losing another cracker pull.
Martinez is pleased but the joke confuses him: âÂÂWhatâÂÂs the difference between Tiger Woods and Maynor Figueroa? Figueroa can drive a ball 60 yards and doesnâÂÂt have 15 mistresses.âÂÂ
I donâÂÂt get it.
But Tiger does.
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